A thin layer of skin, some amniotic fluid, and a handful of hours or days is all that separates me from the next great love of my life and the next great adventure of my life. To feel this close and yet to have all the particulars be so shrouded in mystery is both beautiful and totally maddening. When will it happen? Which day? Morning, noon, or night? Are you a boy or a girl? Will you be born at home? Do we have enough food (WE HAVE SO MUCH FOOD)? Will my water break at home, or at Costco? How will Finn react? All this waiting, this carrying on with ordinary life, all the while knowing that the extraordinary miracle of birth and family transformation is about to begin any day now- it’s such a bizarre moment in time.

Logically, when faced with so much uncertainty and feeling borderline out of control, my instinct is to grasp on tighter and try to control as much as possible. This usually means making lists and spending time in front of my big, color-coded dry erase calendar, organizing life into neat little orange, pink, green and purple blocks. This is typically how I create a sense of order out of chaos. But birth does not work that way. In every sense, birth, in all its mysterious glory, requires the total opposite of tight control. It requires total and complete surrender, which is appropriate given how much of parenthood is all about confronting the illusion of control we think we have over our kids’ lives.

So that’s where I am right now: I’m letting go. I’ve done all I can do to prepare. We have all the supplies, all the newborn gear, the house is clean, the freezers are stocked with food (SO MUCH FOOD), there are fresh flowers in bloom throughout the house, our 3 year old is as prepared as he can be, I’ve consumed tons of positive birth stories and Ina May insights, found my affirmations, taken my prenatals and supplements, hired the best birth team and have controlled for as much of this sacred event as possible. That was the easy part, planning the logistics. Now it’s time for the impossibly hard but critically important spiritual part of just letting it all go and waiting for this life changing moment to begin, wherever, whenever, however. No biggie.

And so I wait, and I trust, and I wonder who you are, sweet baby. I suspect that once I see you and get to know you, that enormous, soul crushing, life giving, overwhelming LOVE will flood my heart and I will not know how I lived without you all these years. But until then, I will wait as patiently as I can for you. I will step away from the lists and the calendar and will step into the mystery of the great unknown with heart wide open. I will savor the feeling of your squirms and hiccups from within. I will marvel at the expansive fullness of us. And I will joyfully await the moment you decide it’s time.